Charlie + Grad School

It's 6 AM and I have been wide awake for an hour. So what am I gonna do?

What any rational person would do--I'm gonna write a new blog post.

This has been on my mind for a long while, so I hope that my early-morning brain can articulate my thoughts well.

Greg is currently serving in the bishopric of a BYU Singles ward, which means that Charlie and I go to church with him in the ward--for almost a year now. This calling gives me occasion to be always meeting new people, whether they're singles that are my age or "empty nesters" that also have callings in this particular Singles stake. (I also often get comments like this from classmates or people I meet in other situations.) So these people always ask what I do, so I always say something like,

"I take care of Charlie at home, and I'm a grad student."

After the customary "What do you study?" and blah blah blah, without fail the person says,

"Good for you."

And many times I have felt judged by those three words (based on context). Obviously, sometimes people are sincere and there is no implicit meaning in that statement, and I truly feel buoyed up when others are supportive of my decisions. However, I often hear those words with different intonation patterns that, when paired with other contextual cues, suggest to my trained-as-a-linguist ears various different sentiments. They go something like this:

 "Lots of women stay at home with their kids full-time, and it's obviously better for young children that way. I guess you just can't handle being the primary caretaker full-time/I guess you don't love your boy enough to make the sacrifice."

OR

"Lots of women don't value education enough to pursue it with young children. If only more mothers would drop everything and complete more education, the kids would be better off."


OR

"I didn't/won't do school and kids at the same time, so you must think that I'm not as smart or good as you. You must think you're better than me."


OR (my personal favorite, and I feel like I get this one most often...)

"Looks like you weren't smart enough to not get pregnant while still in school. And now you're paying the price by being way too busy. I was/am/will be smarter than you because I didn't/don't/won't make that mistake."

These sentiments bug me on many levels. A lot. But maybe they wouldn't tug at my emotions so much if I felt like I had a better handle on my life. I do rank my responsibility as a mom higher than my responsibility as a student, but honestly, I am overwhelmed. Often I feel like there's not enough of my brains or efforts to go around. My house is never as clean as I want it to be, my grades are never as good as I want them to be, I'm not the gospel scholar that I want to be, and I'm not the patient and loving wife and mother that I want to be. (But I try to remind myself that most people feel that way about their lives, regardless of their situation. It's human nature, right?)

The negative sentiments might bother me more, though, on an ideological and spiritual level. From my viewpoint, the underlying theme of these sentiments is a strong opinion of what women "should" do.

Women "should" never have obligations that take her out of the home with her children.
Women "should" never tie themselves down with children.
Women "should" have tons of kids.
Women "should" work outside the home.
Women "should" pursue advanced college degrees.
Women "should" be super busy all the time because having time to yourself is selfish.
Women "should" never let things crowd their time because they need time to themselves.

Blech! I've always told myself that by getting this Masters Degree while having a little Charlie at home I'm not making any statements about what women "should" do. From my LDS standpoint, I do believe in the traditional sense of gender roles--that men tend to be especially good at working outside the home for pay and that women tend to be especially good at staying home with their kids. However, both men and women desperately need the constant guidance of spiritual promptings to be any good at anything they do.

In my experience, the constant guidance of spiritual promptings part is what people forget about other peoples' decisions. Yes, I spend many hours every week at school, and yes, Greg is working part-time right now to stay at home with Charlie while I'm gone. No, this situation doesn't feel ideal very often. But we wouldn't be doing any of it if we didn't know for sure that this is what God wants for us right now. More than two years ago, I started praying about whether grad school was right for me and I came to know that God wanted me to get a Masters Degree in Linguistics from BYU. A few months later, I found out that I was pregnant, and since that day I have prayed every single day that Greg and I would continue to know that it's right for us. And it is!

So I guess that by being a grad student/mom I am making a statement after all. To my children, especially, I want to say that the only "right " way to be a woman (or man) is to make sure that you're trying to do what God wants you to do in every aspect of your life.

I'd like to thank all those families out there that are such good examples of this. I know many women that work outside the home and have had young kids in day care and are good moms. I know women that are full-time stay-at-home moms and are good moms. Women that didn't graduate from college or that have advanced college degrees and are good moms. I hope that, like these women, I can be a good mom no matter my circumstance.

Here's to being a good mom!