Talkin' 'bout the Issues...

First off, I don't mean this as a whine-fest nor a attempt to fish for compliments. I try to not dwell on negative things. However, I think that writing this post will help me to think through some of these struggles and I think that anybody who reads it (if anybody reads it) can feel a little more normal for having similar struggles. Even though this is my blog and I can write whatever I want, I know that there is a fine line between being honest and airing your dirty laundry. So here is my attempt at honesty.

I love Charlie Man--so much more than I ever thought possible. I consider myself to be a generally happy person, but I have smiled so much more since he was born than I ever did before. He is my sunshine, and he makes all my highs even higher. Consequently, all my lows are even lower. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, anyone?) In other words, on some days I can't seem to kick these post-baby blues.

I've dealt with some depression before. I even tried meds for a while, but I didn't like how they affected me, so I won't go that route again--plus, I don't want to mess with breastfeeding. I read that what is considered postpartum depression can hit any time in the first year after a baby. The first six weeks after Charlie's birth were hard for me in so many ways, and I feel so much better now than I did then. But I still have really difficult days.

I was really sick towards the end of my pregnancy. I gained 20 lbs (mostly water--I was really swollen) in the last 6 weeks of it, making my total weight gain almost 60 lbs. Being on bed rest during the pregnancy has made the recovery more difficult, unfortunately. I did my first run 6 weeks after Charlie was born, I could barely run 1.5 miles, and my whole body was sore for days. I have lost over 40 lbs, but I'm still not close to the way that I want to look. This lack of weight loss, frankly, is a huge deal to me. Even though I know that my weight has nothing to do with my worth as a person, it's quite difficult to remember that. My entire life, I have always cared way too much about how I look, and for the most part, I have always thought that I was at least a little bit attractive. Since getting pregnant, I've felt really fat and ugly most days. I thought (probably unrealistically) that by 3 months postpartum I wouldn't feel like this--a year is a long time to feel so unattractive! I have a hard time looking at my stretch marks and my alien body, to say the least. I think that if I were closer to the weight that I want to reach, I would be more okay with the stretch marks, but who knows? (It looks like a pink zebra on my belly.)

I am trying to do all the right things: eat healthy, get good sleep, exercise daily, read my scriptures, etc. Those things help to take the edge off, but I still feel this way. Maybe part of my problem is that my expectations were unrealistic before. I mean, can I really expect to lose 60 lbs in three months?! I am eating more vegetables, fruits, and whole grains than I ever have before, and I am exercising almost every day, but I can't overdo it because I want to keep breastfeeding. It's a fine line. My weight loss has plateaued this month, and I'm starting to be afraid that I'll always look this way.

I don't know where to go from here. I guess the most I can do is keep doing what I'm doing, but sometimes I feel a little bit hopeless. Again, deep down I know that I have worth. I would never trade Charlie Man for anything. I don't regret him at all. I just wish that I had a better handle on my struggles right now.